She laid there restless all night – hardly ever sleeping. It was only in the wee hours in the morning that she finally got tired and caught on some sleep. When she woke up next morning, what she found next to her bed – shook her beyond repair. It was a handwritten letter, which she chose to read – she chose yet again… to torture herself!! Little did she know that the letter was going to bring her the regret that even a lifetime wouldn’t help her heal?
I am sorry. I am sorry because I couldn’t be your perfect child.
I am sorry that you had to go through so much because of me.
I am sorry I let you down. And I am sorry I made you suffer.
All this while – standing in the queue to Heaven, I was continuously thinking of you. I hope you finally got some sleep and your mind is at rest now. Don’t worry too much about me – I am fine. Though I am still here, waiting for my turn to reach up there, to start all over again, to find another entry, another womb, another life and another mother. I think I am nearing the main gate. Thought I should bid to you the final good bye till then. And hope that the next time I don’t let anyone down.
Let me assure you once again that I am fine. Honestly I feel much better. For some reason I feel free also – No more floating inside a closed space – this new place is quite windy and open and infinite. It makes me want to stay here only, not return back. But they say such is the cycle of Life and Death – you keep on going through it until you find your truth, your Moksha… And I think I have a lot more lives to go before I start that journey… Till then let me serve my purpose of existence each time. And that thought got me wondering – what happened to my purpose of existence this time around?? Did I really serve it or was I denied it before I even got out of you?
In a way, I believe it’s a great favour you did on me. Because now I am also understanding – that the life with the Downs Syndrome wouldn’t have been an easy journey. And you saved me from that suffering with your foresightedness. But there must have been at least something for me na?
I was just discussing my story with this fellow and he had a very interesting thing to tell me. He told me about Lauren Potter and Luke Zimmerman – famous celebrities despite of all the disabilities. You know I couldn’t help but I got envious of them. Suddenly all this happy feeling in me changed. And a deep regret kind of a pain seeped in. God only knows how! Suddenly I wanted to be that person – suddenly I also wanted to be this different child and have a similar success story. And somehow I was convinced that God did actually plan something great for me. But I couldn’t experience it. Anyways next time I guess. Though I don’t know what form I might get when I will be reborn.
You are right in your doing – you would have suffered as much with me. Good you took that decision. I wouldn’t have liked to see you suffer – after all you were my mother – how could I bear that thought of you suffering every single day of your life seeing me. Thanks that you saved me from that guilt. But I was also just thinking – what if I was all perfect when born and then later something happened to me – some accident, some illness, something – that would leave me not so perfect – would you have chosen to kill me then also??
Don’t cry.. Don’t cry.. I don’t mean to hurt you or nor is this any kind of a taunt. But after all I am also human na… Obviously it hurt me deeply that you abandoned me like that…!!
But I am looking forward to this next life. And I am next in the turn to go in, so I need to rush. You take care. Wish you all the best for your life..
Your Son… Never mind.. Not important… Bye!!
She just laid there… Not restless this time… Just quiet!!! Silent tears rolling down her cheeks…
Disclaimer: This is not a post to enforce any particular action by parents when got caught at similar crossroads (For those who know what I mean!). Nor is this a judgment on what people chose to do and what they shouldn’t have. It is easier to write about it than to live it. This letter and every word of it.. Just came to me from the Universe and I typed it down. I am not sure what I would have done in a similar situation as well. These words just came to me and I had to be the medium to send them out…